It's not lupus, II

"A minimum of no one," I said, finally. "Or, whoever you want to know. Your friends, maybe."

"Think I'm dead. Those ones. Maybe. Almost was. Did He save me?"

"You tell me."

"Don't know. Never know. That's it. All I am. Not knowing."

"You're much more than that. I see a strong young woman who...went wrong in a few places."

"Too many. Look what happened."

"Funny you should say that." Pause. "You can't keep yourself locked up forever."

"Don't have to. They will."

"On the inside. Your mind. Not your body. The mind is free to go places no body can ever go."

"What?"

"Speak your mind. Open up. Tell me what you feel. Let it out. I can help with that, if nothing else."

"Nothing left. All gone. All wrong. Made everything worse every time."

"My dear Lea, if it were all gone you wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't be talking to you, would I?"

"Right. But what do I do? He gave me back His half. Too useless for Him. That worked. And didn't. Too useless for me."

"It doesn't have to be useless. You can talk to me. Trust me."

"Why? Why do you care? Don't know you."

"Nor I you. But I am interested in you. I want to help."

"Do you have a time machine?"

I chuckled.  "If only. That could certainly solve a lot of problems..."

"Help somebody else. Too late for me. Always was. Ever since I knew about Him."

"It's never too late."

"Yes it is. Can't go back. Nothing ahead. Just death. Somewhere."

"But death as a psychopath, or death as a martyr?"

"Death as nothing."

"That's a sad thing to strive for."

"Not striving. Just going."

"Going, striving, walking, running, crawling. You might as well go out with a bang."

"How?"

"Tell me your story. Tell me who to give it to, and I'll make sure they know who the real victim was."

"Already wrote it. You saw it. Must have. But they- Regular people can't know. He'd get them."

"But what came before? And what came in between? What are the missing pieces?"

"That's too much. How do I tell it all?"